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December 26, 2010 / zzirf

This sounds like me but I did not write it

I have always had a weird relationship with my body. I think I always resented and denied the fact that I even had to have a body, and couldn’t actually survive as a disembodied brain just floating through the world and collecting experiences-even though that is exactly how I navigated my way through this world.

There were some understandable reasons for this. For example, I got sick ALL THE TIME as I was growing up, pretty much from birth all the way through my life until October of 2007. I was in pain, a lot. I was ill, a lot. I didn’t feel good, A LOT. So it was actually pretty understandable for me to flee my body and spend all my time up in my mind. I have always had a very vivid and entertaining inner world, so it was really no problem for me to entertain myself in there.

And I never said anything about it, because I though that’s the way everyone was. As a matter of fact, when I’d first seen my rheumatologist and we were waiting for the test results, my husband did not understand why I was so excited that I might actually have A Real Thing. So I told him that every single day, as far back as I could remember, there was always something in my body that hurt, or that didn’t feel well. But for one thing, the doctors rarely ever found anything wrong for me, so they really couldn’t help me. And for another, I thought that’s what it meant to be a grownup. I thought everyone felt bad every day, but that you just sucked it up and never said anything, because that’s just what happened when you were a grownup.



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